Responsibility
It feels like as you get older the things you must be responsible for multiplies. There are things things that have to be done, bills to be paid, errands to be run. Little things that have to be done, big daunting things that have to be taken care of. But beyond that, there’s things you choose to be responsible for, things beyond yourself.
A long time ago, I remember coming home from school, I was probably thirteen years old, and our dog didn’t come running for the door like usual. I went out to the back yard to look for her and found my Jack Russell and my cat circled around an injured crow. They weren’t trying to kill it, just sort of taunting the thing. I chased them off, snatched up the crow in a towel and with no one there to help me, I just started running. I was already crying at this point, clutching this bird to my chest. I ran to the nearest vet, then to a pet store, neither of which would help me, this little girl with a bird. I didn’t even know what was wrong with the bird, just that it couldn’t fly away so there must be something. With no other options, I trudged home, and put the crow in a gated part of the yard where at least the dog and cat couldn’t get to it. And that was it. That was all I could do. Later I went to check on the crow and it was gone, well enough to fly off somehow. So many times after that I would go in the backyard and hear a chorus of cawing, and would always think that the crows recognized me and were glad I could help. A childish thought, but maybe not so off target as it is now known crows recognize faces and remember those who have done them wrong or helped them.
It’s hard now, as an adult, choosing how much responsibility to take on personally. Finding homes for the kittens was indeed an ordeal, one that I’m really glad I took on. I find myself wanting to do more but not entirely sure how. How much can one person do? I guess you can just do your best.
the truth
This past summer has been very strange for me. I’ve been trying to reassess what is important and what I want out of life. It’s not very easy. I’m easily distracted by everyday worries. I’m a big worrier. But something about having life settled in most respects has left other avenues more open. I’ve been trying to figure it all out: who I am, who I want to be, all those monstrous life questions.
Somewhere in that process, this blog has fallen to the side in a way. It’s not that I don’t still love it, because I absolutely do. Really, it is so much a part of me that all these unanswered questions about myself sort of lead to unanswered questions about what goes on the blog. I haven’t been interested in taking photos or cooking things. I’ve been creating things for sure but sometimes feel like they are not exciting enough to share. More than that, I’ve just been thinking a lot and these little projects don’t always get at what’s in my head at all and then, unintentionally, I feel sort of like I’m misrepresenting myself, even though that’s not really it either.
Part of me wants to get more to the point, be more open, but then things get a little too journally. Maybe that’s not a bad thing. The other part of the equation is that I’m really bad at communicating in real life. I’ve probably said this before. The great thing about blogging is that it is a pretty good way for me to bridge the gap between the world and myself. I feel comfortable behind my screen putting things out there and I’ve definitely built friendships from blogging. The bad thing, is that it’s pretty good for me to put thing out there on the web, but maybe not as great for connecting to people in real life. It lets me off the hook a little bit because I get to say how I feel, sort of, to no one in particular. It’s more abstract. It’s not confiding exactly. It’s impersonal. I really want to make an effort to connect with people I care about in a meaningful way as well as work on my own issues with introversion, and blogging lets me avoid doing this.
So I’m not really sure where things will go from here. Nothing is ending, or drastically changing, perhaps just evolving a little. I hope maybe to foster a little more dialogue here about things which probably means more words. I’ll still be making things because I love to make things and there will still be lots of cat photos because I’m still obsessed with them. Probably you won’t even notice a difference, but something is brewing.
work out
Let’s face it, I’ve gotten lazy. Lazy isn’t even the right word, as I’m often busy, often working on projects, often accomplishing things. The real word is sedentary. I spend most of my time sitting in front of a computer as I think the majority of us do. While previously I’ve had activity built into my life, bike rides and occasional hikes (see the above slightly dorky photo), all of that seems to have evaporated and I find myself just sitting almost all the time. It’s partially unavoidable in terms of getting work done but I am really starting to feel the toll on my body and know it’s time to take action.
The problem is that I am the worst at exercising. It’s not that I hate it or can’t commit, it’s just that I need clear routine and I can’t seem to figure one out. I might go for a jog for a few days in a row but without a plan I just stop. This might have some broader implications on my ability to focus on nonspecific goals, but let’s put that aside for a moment. For example, the circus classes I took last summer were awesome because they were for a set amount of time and had a goal of a performance at the end. Sadly, they are a little too spendy for me to take up again at the moment.
I wish I could say that I’m just going to incorporate more active stuff into my every day life, much like I have in the past, but I can see that I need to do something a little more proactive. A jump start if you will. I’m not looking to morph into an Olympic athlete but I wouldn’t mind having a few muscles again instead of feeling like jiggly-puff. I like yoga and cycling and most anything that doesn’t involve going to a gym. Also, jogging or running are great but I’m not gonna run any kind of race. I know there is something out there that is free (or cheap) that I will enjoy but I just haven’t been able to put my finger on it.
What works for you to keep active? Is there a yoga routine you do every day or a set number of days your run every week? How do you commit to including activity in your schedule? What do you do to keep it interesting?
simple life
In our modern time of gadgets and things I find myself often wishing for a simpler life, something more serene and connected to each thing that I do. I also fully realize that this is pure fantasy, but a nice one nonetheless. We visited a Shaker village in New Hampshire and I was in awe of their lifestyle. Separated from the outside world, they spent their time working and creating. Despite living in a closed community, they were innovative and early adopters of new technologies, being the some of the first to have electricity and running water.
The Shakers were also highly organized: everything had a place and a number, everyone had a job and a schedule. I imagine some might find this tedious but I adore this sort of order. While on the outside it seems more complicated, it does make everything simpler. Order in every day tasks leaves room for creativity in other places.
I imagine many think the Shaker lifestyle is extreme, which is easy to say for a celibate community that separates men and woman in all things. Yet in their separation there was equality between the sexes, something that was much more radical in the late eighteenth century when they were founded, but is still lacking in our modern culture.
Visiting this historical homestead was enchanting and provoked much contemplation on more modern intentional communities. I wonder if there is a place for such lifestyles in the world today or if we will forever be relegated to cities and small towns.
stormy weather
One of the things I miss the most about summers in the North East are the unexpected storms. Los Angeles weather is usually the same all the time. I love the lightning and the intense downpours that start without warning and end soon after, nature in it’s full glory.
