December

December is here and the spirit of winter has settled into my mind. As the end of the year approaches it brings with it reflections on life. I turned 28 a few weeks ago and while it doesn’t really mean a whole lot, it does mean the end of twenty seven, the year I got married, which is kind of a thing. Time just passes by and brings new things and experiences and as always I’m looking forward to what the future will hold, while still being gratified with my present. These days are filled with contentment.

With the holidays just around the corner I’ve got gifts on the mind and it keeps occurring to me that I want to give so much to people that I feel lucky to know, whether in real life or through twitter or blogs or whatever. Sometimes it’s overwhelming. It’s never easy to pick the perfect gift but this year I really want to show friends and family how much I care for them. I hope I can make that happen.

This past weekend was filled with celebrations for friends and in some small personal way it was momentous for me. These days I often find myself plagued with anxieties to a degree that makes some simple things uncomfortable. Riding in someone else’s car for instance causes my heart to palpitate. My awareness of these minor phobias and easy rationalization can often get me through it, to calm myself, but they don’t go away altogether. The next ride I’ll have to face the same fears.

While some of these fears have been around forever and have just become more dramatic over the years, others seemed to never exist until now. Like singing. Did you know I used to perform, in bands, in musicals, in plays? As youth faded, my ability to get up in front of others in any capacity diminished until it turned into an almost paralyzing fear. I’ve often asked myself why my inhibitions have grown so strong over the years and I have no answers. This weekend I went to a karaoke birthday and in my mind there was no way I was going to participate. At the same time I knew that was ridiculous. After much debate, I just did it. I sang a crazy pop song in front of a group of mostly strangers. It was terrifying, and yet it happened. Even though my hands were shaking, a bunch of people got up and danced and sang along and it was okay.

Also this weekend, a friend of mine had a put on a puppet show for his 40th birthday. It was so cool. I just felt so fortunate to be there to see his performance for his nearest and dearest. I feel genuinely lucky to have creative and talented friends who follow their dreams. Growing up in the sprawling city that is Los Angeles, I’ve often felt disconnected from people. Here people seem to waft into your life and exit in the same manner. In the past few years though I have really grown to appreciate the people around me, for the first time feeling like I have a place and it is here whether I like it or not.