Ponderings on perfection

Dear friends, we’re in the home stretch for the wedding. Only 5 weeks remain until the big day. With everything so close upon us, I’ve become a bit introspective on the whole thing. So friends, settle in for maybe a bit more reading than usual in this post, but surely on topics beyond just a wedding.

Between Shawn and I, we know how to do a lot of things. We’re makers, so to speak. He knows tons about photography. I know about sewing and crafting and baking. We’re both planners. We know what it takes to get something done. So when entering the world of wedding planning, this knowledge, for me in particular, has often been something I’ve had to reconcile with, rather than being helpful.

How do you choose a photographer when you yourself take better photos than most of the “professionals” out there? How do you order a wedding cake when you bake a better vegan cake than you could buy? It’s tricky these questions, because obviously you can’t do everything.

Personally, I like to do things myself. I take issue with paying for something I’m capable of, unless I know someone will do it better than I will. Even more than that, I have a hard time letting others do things for me, even if I’m not paying, for fear it won’t be exactly what I want. Face it, I’m a little bit of a control freak. It is the downfall of knowing how to do things. You expect perfection.

The wedding process has been a lot about letting go for me. Letting go of control. It’s not easy. It’s against my personality. I think this is what happens with big life events though and I really feel it’s for the better. That’s not to say it hasn’t been a struggle.

It’s also, in my mind, been about merging my wishes and desires with Shawn’s. Even being in a committed relationship, two people are still somewhat separate in decision making. There is this strange place where you are not compromising on things but actually agreeing, and it’s odd but wonderful. This is the first task where we’ve had to really agree on everything.  I think we had a similar experience when making Brainwashed Love, but our differences worked to keep the movie on course.

I think if I designed the whole affair, it would be some sort of small soiree in the woods. (You should see this wedding, which I’m sure is the most fantastic wedding I’ve ever seen.) Instead our wedding is indoors, and will be fairly large (by my standards anyway). I’m happy about this too. Our secret location is really the coolest and I’m excited that we’ll get to celebrate with so many people that love us. I’m glad we’ll be bringing our families together from across the country.

Most of these thoughts have come up for me since I now have my finished dress. The truth is, that there are a few little things that bother me about it. I can’t quite figure out if I’m just being obsessive or if it is a real flaw. Am I aiming for perfection when it’s just a dress? Is it something I can fix or should I just leave it alone?

There is still so much to do and I have a number of tasks that I’m responsible for, but I’m leaving a few major things in the hands of others. I’m trying to let things happen how they will. I haven’t thought about flowers or decorations or much of that sort of thing at all, nor will I unless someone asks me. I’m hoping all the things I’m not taking care of work out, as they should, without me managing every detail. And say they shouldn’t, I’m trying to prepare myself to be ok with this.

I’m not trying to ignore the details or not worry about the whole event, instead I’m just trying to face the reality of it all.

*a note about the photos. these are from a trip shawn and i took to pennsylvania in 2008. they make me happy as the woods do. they are a reminder of calmness for me. and the owl’s name is morris.