The Path of the Beam

photo // Shawn Bannon

Being a blogger makes me overly sensitive to internet trends. There is one in particular that begs discussion, one that I’ve noticed more and more recently. With the rise of entrepreneurial culture, there is this proliferation of the idea that if you pursue your dreams with vigor you will get what you want. It is The American Dream. Work hard and you shall prosper. It’s a nice idea, isn’t it? But lets get serious for a second. It’s just not true. Now let that sink in for a second. The truth is that you do have to work hard to get what you want but working hard does not guarantee anything.

First, I’m not trying to be the harbinger of bad news nor am I trying to stomp on your dreams. It just seems we all need a good dose of reality. Second, I’m not saying that you can’t live your dream in some fashion. Besides, maybe you’re one of the lucky ones who actually gets exactly what you want.

Mostly I’m wondering about this idea that people have a singular life goal. How many people really have this one true passion they must follow for happiness? Is that something that comes to you in a flash of light or a dream? Is it the love you feel when you first do something new that you think you could do for the rest of your life? I personally have so many loves like that. Whenever I go on a bike ride I’m filled with a sense of elation, but that doesn’t mean I want to become a professional cyclist. There is something diminishing in turning a love into a career. This reason alone is why I’ve never turned this blog into my profession.

Very soon, I’m directing my first short film. The first since I was in college and I made “video art.” The first since I was a teenager and had to edit videos on dual VHS decks. I’m excited. I’m nervous. I’m terrified. Part of me has always wanted this. Part of me has always been afraid of this. I can’t tell you if my perpetual trepidation is a result of me not wanting to let go of other interests or if it is because I’m am unsure of myself and the possibility of failure. Despite the fact that I’ve produced a feature film, making this short is somehow much harder for me.

Making it in the entertainment industry is hard. That goes without saying. Of course, it’s even harder as a woman. Only 5% of the top 250 grossing films of 2011 were directed by women. I just love movies. While some have always known they want to be a writer or director, I’m not absolutely tied to any one piece of filmmaking. There are about 10 thousand different people that have a part of making a film, many of which I’d be happy doing (many I would not). My trajectory is not so much a clear path. It involves a lot of trying things out. It involves a lot of working really hard at something and realizing that it’s not what I want at all (the number of times this has happened is embarrassing).

Yet, I still have hope. I’ll admit sometime it is wavering. I believe that I will find my place, where there is actually a connection, or at least a balance, between what I do for a living and what makes me happy.

What do you think? Are you following your passion career? Do you even have one? Can you imagine yourself being happy with something else?

bike week

This week is bike week here in Los Angeles, which means there are a few cool events going on sponsored by Metro. I know a lot of people feel like this city is not very bike friendly (and I don’t entirely disagree) so projects like this make me super happy. They are a great way to spread the bike love.

It’s no secret that Shawn and I met on a bike ride, so social rides will always have a special place in my heart. Look at how fun this tweed right from a few years back was (you can tell it was long ago since Shawn is sporting a beard). Everyone dressed up and having a grand time riding around the city together. I truly believe that the best way to experience any city is by bicycle.

Pasadena also has some great events planned, like a bike ride around the Rose Bowl with the mayor and a bike in movie showing Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. So if you’ve been looking for an excuse to get back on your bike, now is your chance. Hope to see you on the streets.

mother’s day

We had a lovely mother’s day this year. I made tofu benedict and strawberry parfaits for brunch. We played Rummikub and watched A Shot in the Dark and spent a nice relaxing day with my mom. Hope all you mamas out there had a wonderful day full of celebration and love.

hair styles

I’m having a hair dilemma. I think probably my whole life has been a hair dilemma. Last June, I gave up dying my hair. After years of treating it like crap with bleach and every color and sort of dye, I thought it was about time I gave it a break. Beyond that, I was tired of the upkeep and had no idea what color my hair even was anymore.

But as those things go, I’m bored and want to do something with my hair. I want something fun and new. I promised myself no haircut until I accomplish a certain goal (which I’ll maybe share later), and besides, I basically get the same haircut all the time, so that’s nothing special.

The thing is though, I’m actually really happy not dying my hair. I like the color and while it’s a little softer and wavier untreated, I’m looking forward to having all the dyed bits fully grown out. So instead of doing anything drastic, I thought I’d just reminisce through photos of my various hairstyles in the past years.

Orange is and will always be my favorite. I’ve considered just dying the ends of my hair orange as is it, but I’m not totally sure.

It’s fun and yet still feels natural to me (although clearly it is not).

Bright albino white was also fun, but my hair was the most destroyed by this endeavor.

Further back in time, there was a period of dark brown. I loved this color but it just would not stay in my hair and would always fade to a drab straw color.
Now jumping back a to my college days, a time of more piercings and no bangs. This was the last moment before I got to the haircut that I’ve had for all of my twenties.
Right before that, my hair was short in back and longer in the front. I do miss this haircut occasionally, though I’ve gotten used to having bangs.

Nearly all my teenage years I had short hair with those long wispy bits in front. It never looked right, but it was fun to change the color all the time, as it took no time at all to grow out. I tried every color: pink, orange, blue, black. One summer I changed my hair every week, such as teenagers do.

Well that was fun, and is making me feel a bit better about the fact that I trimmed my bangs just a little too short. The best part of hair is that it grows back, so mistakes are eventually undone on their own.

little getaways

I’m often bemoaning the fact that I want to live somewhere with trees and greenery, somewhere more natural than this city. The truth is though, we’re lucky to have lots of places to explore that just aren’t that far away. We went hiking this weekend and explored a magical trail, much like the woodsy adventures I dream of. So it isn’t exactly in our back yard, but hey, we don’t even have a back yard so I’ll take what I can get. I suppose excursions like this could make me appreciate Los Angeles enough to stay (for awhile anyway).